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| whirlwind of emotions.
saying goodbye to my brother was kind of a big deal. we both had tears. :) i love him.
ron luce spoke that night. he was talking about how we don't realize what loving God really means...confusing the soul, mind, emotions. a lot of the time we think that what we feel is true of who we are. in reality, what we feel is just a part of who we are, not the whole thing. yes, it is an important factor when evaluating the whole..but it doesn't have to define you, even if it seems/feels like it should...good point to remember.
he mentioned that we can:
-feel obligated to love
-choose to love
-provoked to love (smitten)
my relationship with God has been a little of all three...depending on the season i felt myself in. when i don't feel the emotional high, i choose to love anyway. when i am angry or convicted i love out of obligation, because i know i should. the best is when i can't help it. the precious moments when i realize that there is no other thing i would want to live for if it were not for the experience of loving and knowing him. to be completely drawn in and enveloped by his grace and care. oh how he loves us!
i had been choosing to love for a few weeks, and it was wearing on me. on the drive back yesterday and at church this morning, i remembered. oh yes! i can't help but to love him!! it's nice to be swept off your feet again. :)
i'm glad he reassures me of this as i feel like i have to trust him with so much. this is what i think:
"But God, i don't know if i can make it. School is tough. i still have 9 weeks left. and what if i mess up when i get to clinic?? i don't feel adequate!! and all the boy issues?? what do i do about those?? i don't have the wisdom i feel i should sometimes...and lauren is starting school! you need to take care of her too. it's scary what she's doing, and she's brave...and TOM! oh. i worry about him being overwhelmed. someone needs to support him too. my parents will be sad and alone. and they need comfort...and finances and evange moving out, and duke's weird skin patch, and steven moving overseas! what about other friends who need a job?? or people who are sick?!?! and then there's...what?? what's that?"
oh yeah. you're God. it's what you do. handling all these things. promises that you will keep because you can't deny yourself. are you sure?? how do i know?? oh. yeah. your Spirit.
lauren and i need to finish memorizing matthew. it will help, i'm sure.
rich mullins knew what he was talking about. i like him and his music.
from his song, "If I Stand"
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
my favorite line is the last one. realize my tears are a longing for you. please come soon.
lynda. | | |
| that's how long i slept last night. crazy-ness. school is wearing me out.
love the new place, but am weird about meeting people. i think there are 16 people that live there total, including me. and i have only met a few of them. the longer it takes...the weirder i become.
i have a red couch!!!!!! it's cool. but needs breaking in. who wants to visit? tomorrow it will have its first guest, but it needs much more than that before it feels loved.
things happen, and i want to xanga about them, but i am always too tired. and by the time i remember it seems irrelevant. it's a vicious cycle.
soo. let me think. what has happened??
-cooking misadventure with my new pan. egg, egg everywhere.
-need more space, or less things?
-regina, yao, philip
-jeanine is my girl!!!!
-no groceries..
-target fever
-alexander skarsgard ;)
-nostalgia
-true blood addiction. what will i do when it's over?
-love driving with windows down. at night.
-dogs love me
i am now positive red is my favorite color. i always had a small doubt, but now it's gone. RED. :)
added to the absolute favorite songs of my life list. (aka life soundtrack)
what i have so far:
yellow-coldplay
kiss me-sixpence none the richer
Comptine D'un Autre ete : L'ap- from the Amelie soundtrack
in the running:
bon iver stuff (skinny love, blood bank)
regina spektor (eet, us, samson)
once i have more time, i hope to be a hobby queen!!
languages and knitting will be up on my list of to do. oh. and cooking :)
let's procrastinate together. okay?
"It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can’t believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to feel the beat"
-good ol' regina spektor
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| dreary weather makes me want to have a dreary attitude. i got the new regina spektor album this past weekend. it has lifted my spirits considerably.
packing up your things is so weird. looking at your life in the material sense. what do we really have?? how much of what we have we even use??
this time next week, i'll be in a new place. new time of life it seems. crazy. anyone want to buy me a couch??
sunday at church i remembered why i trust Jesus. How he can relate. They did a somewhat cheesy skit that reminded me that a lot of times this idea of "marginal" christianity creeps in. i think i need a backup plan in case what God is doing doesn't quite work out the way i planned.
wait, what?? You and me aren't on the same page, God?? sigh. well you were plan A, i'm moving on to plan B...because the end goal is the thing i want/am working towards.
craziness.
what is the end goal?? more than just finishing school, getting a job, being HAPPY or even comfortable...finding someone who i love that loves me....nope. not really.
the end goal is knowing God. delighting in him...because he's pretty much the coolest thing there is.
and guess what?!?!?
when i do things his way, I get to really LIVE. not just life. ABUNDANT life.
i read an excellent article that reconciles evolution and christianity without taking away the authority of the scriptures. it was the kind of thought i had, but never was able to articulate well...and makes me happy. learning about science, i get to wonder and marvel at how God makes things work. it is really cool.
some words from my twin, regina. read it all. better yet, listen to her sing it. she's brilliant. and really pretty funny..
The Ghost of Corporate Future.
by Regina Spektor
A man walks out of his apartment,
It is raining, he's got no umbrella
He starts running beneath the awnings,
Trying to save his suit,
Trying to save his suit.
Trying to dry, and to dry, and to dry but no good
When he gets to the crowded subway platform,
He takes off both of his shoes
He steps right into somebody's fat loogie
And everyone who sees him says, "Ew."
Everyone who sees him says, "Ew."
But he doesn't care,
'Cause last night he got a visit from the
Ghost of Corporate Future
The ghost said, "Take off both your shoes
Whatever chances you get
Especially when they're wet."
He also said,
"Imagine you go away
On a business trip one day
And when you come back home,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan."
"And people make you nervous
You'd think the world is ending,
And everybody's features have somehow started blending
And everything is plastic,
And everyone's sarcastic,
And all your food is frozen,
It needs to be defrosted."
"You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now.
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now."
"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
And never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
Maybe you should kiss someone nice,
Or lick a rock,
Or both."
"Maybe you should cut your own hair
'Cause that can be so funny
It doesn't cost any money
And it always grows back
Hair grows even after you're dead"
"And people are just people,
They shouldn't make you nervous.
The world is everlasting,
It's coming and it's going.
If you don't toss your plastic,
The streets won't be so plastic.
And if you kiss somebody,
Then both of you'll get practice."
"The world is everlasting
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
And take off both your shoes.
'Cause people are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.
People are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you."
The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
It's coming and it's going
*******
people are just people like who? oh. like you.
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| interesting thing happened to me yesterday. i was going to sara's, but had to stop by blockbuster to pick up "Mansfield Park" for our pre-true blood movie watching. i thought as i left, "man, i'm having a good hair day. i hate that i have good hair days when no one can appreciate them!" because it seems to be true. i only have great hair when i am home alone most of the day. so walking in to blockbuster, i wonder if i look like somewhat mannish because i was wearing a plain white mens undershirt, and very baggy capri pants and no makeup. i consoled myself with my nice hair. (haha sad, but true.)
after wandering about, i find the movie and go to rent it. i remembered to run back up the three flights of stairs to my apt for my blockbuster card, BUT FORGOT MY DEBIT CARD WAS IN MY OTHER JEANS! yes. i was so embarrassed when i realized i couldn't pay for the movie. the guy behind the counter said it was okay, but i thought he meant it was no big deal...i had no need to be embarrassed. so i start to leave and he was like, "no, it's cool..." and gave me the movie for free!! not only for the one day i requested, but till FRIDAY! i was amazed, and kind of discombobulated. i walked out the door with much higher sprits. it was the first time i got anything free that way. i was convinced my hair was what did it. my wonderful curly hair day got me a free movie rental at blockbuster :)
in other news, i think i want a dog and a bike for christmas. i can't wait!!
i originally meant to xanga about something with more substance, but have been studying for awhile and can't remember what it is for the life of me! hmph. i'll remember at a most inconvenient time, i'm sure.
i have never seen/heard of such wealth since i've moved up here. it is ridiculous. i'm glad the valley serves as a wake-up call to me. so does hanging out with refugees.
if this science business doesn't work out, i plan to pursue an alternate career in middle eastern dance. just fyi.
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| i mentioned that i recently have enjoyed driving with the windows down. this presents a problem...namely, my lion's mane hair...I am considering getting those scarves that ladies used to use to ride in convertibles (you know, with fashionable sunglasses). i wonder how that would look...i hope it doesn't come across as muslim...
thunderstorms are nice, but only when you can stay inside with a good book.
i'm pretty excited about moving. life is funny sometimes. lauren is moving to claude, tx...i am getting used to ft. worth..i'm trying to learn arabic..for christmas i want a pet. and a bike. :)
who could have known it would turn out this way?? God, I suppose.
What does it mean to make something your Lord?
lord (noun) :1. a person who has authority, control, or power over others; a master, chief, or ruler.
I don't think i would make a very good lord over myself. i don't think that was ever intended.
when you choose someone to serve as lord, trust is implied. CONTROL. that's a key word. that's what they have and you don't.
it's scary to give that away. but in the sense of christianity, i think when you give it away you can finally be free to live life to the fullest.
everyone has an isaac. something they love and have to be able to put up on that altar for a time. right lauren?
thank goodness God is good.
when you are really and truly good friends with someone, it's doesn't matter how much time has passed. what you had will be there. how reassuring.
tonight is true blood with sara. :) oh! and i get to sleep in. i need it after my middle eastern partying.
i feel like this entry was boring.
sorry.
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